Monkey Brain - a force within us all
How emotions and mother nature drive our behaviour more than we realise,
7:25am Good morning internet friend (and hopefully real life friend, too)
You may have noticed no TT last week. It was a public holiday in Australia and so I wasn’t really in the need or desire to wake up early and get writing. That, and, to be honest, I was lacking a little bit of inspiration. I started TT during a period where my brain was hella busy and I thought it be useful to write down some of the chaos. However of late, life has been much slower, with less stimuli (overwhelmingly a good thing) but that has meant little by way of triggers for writing.
However I’m back and I think I have a doozy for ya. I’ve actually had a really beautiful couple of weeks including time in the Central Coast visiting family as well as plenty of time spent with friends and I think many of those great conversations have provoked much of the thoughts I’ve had lately.
Monkey Brain
Monkey brain is a concept I invented a few years ago. In a nuthsell, it’s basically an acknowldegment that we are merely monkeys, whose behaviours are driven by chemicals in our brain and that the consciousness we experience and free will we are afforded (ok another argument around free will but that’s for another time) drive much less of our behaviours and decision making than we believe. Monkey brain states that we just behave the way our less civilised cousins do and that in some sense, we simply witness our own experience and drive it far less than we think we do.
It offers both an explanation that how we behave is not entirely our own doing but also comfort in that how we behave is not entirely our doing.
I’ll give you an example. Say you have a pet. In fact, if you do, picture them now. Or any other animal you’ve had extended interactions with. They have a personality, they have fears, anxieties, desires. My cat gets scared every time I pull out the vacuum. She’s very affectionate and wants to sit on my chest every time I lay on the couch but jumps at even the slightest of sudden movement by anything within 5 meters of where she is.
Our friends of the animal kingdom lack the consciousness, language and expression to be able to express that personality, those fears, anxieties and desires. They do not have an internal monologue that they hear or use. When I'm home alone, working at my computer and I’m tired, I might audibly (to literally no-one as no-one is around) sigh “fuck I’m tired” and then decide to get up and make myself a coffee. Our animal friends do not do this. They cannot do this. They do not “decide” to go to the toilet. They don’t “decide” they want to lie on the couch. On a quiet Sunday afternoon, I might think a little and eventually decide, that I want to grab a book and sit on the couch but my cat Princess doesn’t decide these things like we do. She’s cold, sees couch in sun and is driven to the couch. Whether it’s licking her toes, using her litter, gnawing at my hand, doing zoomies or going to get a drink of water from her water bowl, she is driven to these behaviours based on some concotion of chemicals in her tiny cute little beautiful soft head.
As humans, we like to think we have more control over our life and behaviours than this. After all, I can decide to lie on the couch and read, I can decide to get up and have a drink, I can decide to do zoomies. But the reality is that this decision making process makes up a far smaller percentage of our daily behaviours and interactions than what actually drives this behaviour; Monkey Brain.
Monkey brain is always on. It’s the subconscious part of our brain that makes us do what we do. I like to think of it as if we had two parts to our brain and those two parts control our breathing as they control everything else. Monkey brain controls breathing. Always happening whether we want to or not. Human brain is capable of taking the reigns and controlling breathing but only for short stints before Monkey brain takes control again.
Similarly, Monkey Brain is what controls our behaviour and nothing makes that more obvious to me than when emotions are running hot or you’re in a stressful environment.
Say you’re driving and someone cuts you off and almost makes contact with your car. Instinctively (hello monkey brain) you hit the horn and throw a hand in the air, yelling inside your metal box for no-one to hear you. The other driver looks at you apologetically and raises the sorry hand. Five seconds later you’ve calmed down and remember that one of your new years resolutions was “to be more patient and forgiving”. Hmmmm. Doesn’t sound very patient and forgiving of you. But that’s because Monkey Brain made you behave that way, not your conscious thought.
7:55am
Say your partner brings up a sensitive topic in conversation and, in the most authentically calm and non-confrontational way, points out something wrong or insensitive that you’ve done and very politely and patiently asks for you to apologise and modify your future behaviour. You feel the blood flow up your beck and your head turns to your side and you blurt out “says you! How bout last time when you did that thing. I didn’t say anything then”. Hang on a second, didn’t you commit with your therapist that you were going to pause for five seconds before responding in any potentially heated discussion. Haven’t you been reading about stoicism and trying to respond peacefully in all your daily interactions. Not quite. But again, this is the workings of Monkey Brain.
And Monkey Brain is unbelievably powerful. It’s not only in our behaviours but she drives how we feel about things. Things that ought be very logical and clear are completely muddled by mother nature’s chemistry experiment in our skulls.
Say you’ve gone on a number of dates with a guy. And things are going really well and you’re really into him. And throughout your entire interaction they’ve repeatedly shown signs of interest towards you. In person you guys are like teenage lovebirds but perhaps they’re not the best texter you’ve ever met and comms between dates isn’t so free flowing, if at all. The morning of your 6th date, you get a text
“hey. I was really excited to see you tonight but I must say I’m feeling a little unwell. I’ll see how I go and let you know later on but it might be best we reschedule for early next week. Is that ok”
Commence the rumination!! I’ve had many a conversation with the person receiving this text (heck, I’ve been the person receiving said text) and the absolute non sensical dribble that comes out when you’re in this position is in hindsight comical but at the time almost unbelievable. The dude is sick but the clear conclusions that Monkey Brain comes to are that he’s clearly losing interest and he doesn’t want to talk to you any more. He’s clearly found someone better to spend his evening with and you were simply a second option anyway.
You then take the text to your group chat where a psychoanalysis takes place trying to deduce exactly what’s going on here instead of the simple, logical conclusion that a human being is unwell and that that doesn’t affect how they’re feeling about you.
As I’ve said, Monkey Brain affects us all. I’ve said and done things that I’m not proud of, driven purely by Monkey Brain. It’s so well understood between Billie and I that we semiregularly apologise for our behaviours with a comment of “sorry about what I said/did earlier. Monkey Brain”. And in this way, our mutual acknowledgement of our subconscious behaviour means we forgive each other much more easily. When I was much younger, I’ve said some nasty things to loved ones which I am not proud of, and done some awful things too. And whenever I reflect on those things, I know I never meant any of it. But it comes out in the heat of the moment and during an argument. When you realise that often times the way people treat you is simply a result of them Monkey Braining, and you realise it’s not representative of who they are, their values or what they want of themself, it’s much easier to forgive and empathise.
That said, this perspective works best when the perpetrator understands their own faults, limitations and Monkey Brainness. Some people are simply bad people. They never take ownership of their actions and have no desire to suppress Monkey Brain. I’m not suggesting that bad or wrong behaviour be excused on the premise that they weren’t in control of their own behaviours, simply that there can be some empathy and understanding for how people are behaving.
This takes me to the next question which I kind of alluded to previously; can we do anything about Monkey Brain?
Well I’m not a psychologist or therapist or behavioural expert in any way shape or form and I would actually like to speak to someone who is and learn more about my observations but in my opinion the answer is yes. Yes we can. We can get better, for sure, at managing Monkey Brain.
I think the biggest key is learning to manage our emotions. Like I said earlier, Monkey Brain kicks in the most when we’re emotional, when we’re stressed, when we’re under duress. And so the first step towards managing our spontaneous behaviour is managing the response we have to these stressful events. I have a friend who told me that whenever he’s having a hard conversation with a partner or loved one, he follows the 5-second rule. When it’s his turn to speak after the other has said what they want to say, he must wait at least five seconds before saying anything. This gives him the time to discard the instinctive, defensive Monkey Brain answer and instead respond in a more thoughtful and respectful way.
You can also do some meditation/reflective work outside of those stressful moments. Reflecting on how you want to behave and the person you want to be when someone cuts you off in traffic or your partner tells you off for not cutting up the excess cardboard in the driveway for the last 4 weeks. Being conscious, and conscientious, of your behaviour is another good step forward.
Understanding that even with the best emotional regulation, moments of weakness will always appear, is critical. Even the most zen and calm person will have moments of Monkey Brain. We are, after all, much alike our primate cousins. Monkey Brain has helped me forgive and empathise with those around me as well as grow and develop as an individual. And I hope as a concept, it serves you too.
Ok that’s it for today. I have a few more ideas to draw out from Monkey Brain including how our emotions drive our behaviour, and how our history/baggage/trauma/upbringing drive those emotions that drive behaviour. How our fears (as illogical as they may be) tie in and why some people just seem to behave so irrationally from your POV. But those would get too long so I might go into them in the coming weeks, depending on what other thoughts come to mind.
Ok, thanks internet friend for being here, talk soon :)